The world is in chronic crisis mode, and not just since the pandemic or the war in Ukraine. Both are important issues and deserve special attention from the general public. The same goes for wars, which are hardly or not at all discussed in the media, btw. Next to all these global problems, the personal ones seem insignificant and small. Which is why we tend to play down and ignore our individual problems. Yet they are actually a burden to us and endanger our physical and mental health. As my online survey on Instagram revealed, many people seem to feel the same as I did at the beginning of the year: bad. Since my survey, my personal situation has improved again and I would like to share my newfound energy with you. That's why I'm dedicating this post to our well-being and how we can restore and maintain it.
Fotos: Oliver Petek
HEALING IS A PROCESS
Have you ever googled the word healing? The sheer number of hits will make your head spin and the numerous checklists will drive you crazy. Here's why: what you find on Google often invalidates two fundamental truths. Number one, the "how-to", "checklist" culture of the World Wide Web in relation to healing and our emotions simply doesn't work because of its structure. If it did, we would have a world full of happy, healed and successful people. That's not quite the case, is it? The reason this formula doesn't work is because it is not individualized for our personal experiences. It eliminates the notion that each individual must do what works for them in their unique circumstances. Parameters and techniques for healing can be offered, but it all comes down to what works for the individual. Number two, healing is never a linear process; that is, it's never a straight line. We have to bend and make changes as new emotional information is discovered and occurs. So healing is as individual as the seeker.
"Healing is a process" Does this mean that healing is an endless and hopeless process? I don't think so. Rather, we should understand the process itself in order to manage it. How "well" or "quickly" we go through this process depends on many factors, the most important being our willingness to face ourselves. Healing requires us to step up and fight until we get to the other side of our inner pain and emotions.
HOW TO START THE PROCESS
Although we know that life is never straightforward, it is sometimes frustrating. We take three steps forward and two steps back. It feels like we're not making any progress at all - especially when we're going through hard times. The idea of living life like an epic novel - an exciting and complicated adventure in which you are the hero - can be both inspiring and frightening. Because there are only two ways the story can end: suffering or growing.
This proves to be an even greater challenge for "strong black women" (SBW). The SBW stereotype is more than just a cultural stereotype: many black women report feeling pressured to act like superwomen and to portray themselves as strong, self-sacrificing and unemotional in order to cope with the stress of racial and gender-based discrimination in their everyday lives. We feel obligated to project an image of strength, to suppress emotions, to not show ourselves vulnerable, to succeed despite limited resources and to help others.
But your suffering isn't helping anyone either. It's time to give your well-being and growth the attention they need. These three key insights can help you do this:
1. ACKNOWLEDGE YOUR SITUATION
In order to heal, it is important to accept and recognize where you stand. Look at the current situation and ask yourself: "What is the real problem?" and not "What do I think is the problem?" What you are trying to understand are the facts. Facts look and sound like this: This is what happened and this is how I reacted to it. Facts. The facts are the starting point for understanding the scope of a situation without distorting it with emotions. Why is that necessary? Feelings are not facts. They are not necessarily based on or in the truth. Feelings are impulses, imprints of our individual beliefs, thoughts and perspectives - none of which are based entirely on facts.
Once the facts are established, it's time to be open and honest with yourself. This is the point at which most people give up on the healing process. This is where it gets risky and difficult. This is where it is important to ask yourself, "What is my role in this situation?", "What is my responsibility?" It's easy to blame someone else while limiting our own responsibility, but in doing so we give up our power. If we continue the blame game, the other party has to take action for our healing to truly begin. Until we let go of blame, there can be no freedom. Personally, I refuse to allow the choices of others to determine my emotional state of health.
2. TAKE YOUR POWER BACK
When we feel powerless, we focus too much on the things we can't do or don't have. Sometimes it seems as if the situation itself is slamming doors and windows in our faces. We tend to bang on these doors and windows in the hope that someone will take pity on us and open them. The solution to the problem is rather to use your energy to look for other doors and windows that are already open. To regain your power in difficult situations, you should focus on what you can do. Ask yourself: "How and in what way can I create, direct, influence or do something to achieve what I want?". Then move into conscious action and devote your energy to your desires, values and what is really meaningful and important to you. Follow these things like a compass pointing the way north. Yes, this sometimes requires taking a new direction and standing out from the crowd. Don't let others pressure you to deviate from your course and contradict your principles.
3. ENJOY THE TRANSFORMATION
Many of our most valuable goals cannot be achieved quickly. They require hard work and perseverance. These phases of change do not always feel good. In fact, most of the time they feel extremely painful. When the results don't come quickly enough, it's natural to feel frustrated.
When we work on improving ourselves, we tend to focus on the finish line. Everything we work towards is for our end result. Every change we make, every resolution we set, is for our dream. Sometimes we are so busy trying to reach the finish line that while we are working towards it, all we can see is this huge space between where we are and where we want to be. We focus more on how much work we still have to do than on all the work we've already done. We obsess over the changes we still need to make instead of appreciating the big changes we've already accomplished. We are so focused on the end goal that we forget to pause and take full advantage of every precious moment.
When we focus on the progress we make along the way, when we see the beauty of our strengths and abilities, we can give ourselves a whole new perspective on our transformation. This new perspective can help us to enjoy our lives as we live them, so that we don't look back with regret. Set goals, but also give yourself the freedom to learn and grow along the way. This way you will experience the pure joy of the process.
Many people allow suffering to define them, shape them and ultimately rob them of the joy of life. I hope this article inspires you to not give up and reminds you that you have all the tools within you to not only recover, but to live the life you want. And if you feel like you need help with this, don't be afraid to reach out to your family, friends or a therapist.
Lots of love and energy
- Rosie